Today I woke up and decided that in order to do my head some good, I wouldn’t look at Twitter, or the news, or TV first thing in the morning. I got up, I came down to the living room and meditated. I ate my breakfast and read my book. I did all of the things that usually make me feel great, yet I proceeded to have the most awful day.
At five months pregnant, my hormones are running a bit wild. Sometimes I’m laughing, next moment I’m crying. Things that I would never have been sensitive to before can now reduce me to a blubbering mess. Take Grey’s Anatomy for example – I always thought that I could be a pretty solid doctor if I ever wanted to – I wasn’t squeamish, blood and vomit, and guts and gore couldn’t turn my stomach of steel. These days however, I feel sick to my stomach when I see some of the patients’ ailments, and I cry so hard for all the pretend parents with their pretend sick babies. Being an expecting mother has changed me in ways I never even imagined!
Lets get back on track here… yes, today. Oh my God, I couldn’t stop crying. This is at least the third or fourth day in a row where I literally burst into tears at random intervals during the day. I sobbed. For no reason. And I couldn’t make it stop. To me it’s been screaming of prenatal anxiety or possibly depression, and even though I sincerely hope that it is just my hormones going rampant within my body, I am really grateful that I’ve made an appointment to meet with my GP next week. I think the timing couldn’t have been more perfect on that front.
I think I frightened my OH with this today. I told him I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I know that my emotions have been a bit taxing for him these last few days but I genuinely haven’t been able to help how sad I’ve been feeling. I also have felt immensely guilty for feeling so sad. Here I am, after finding myself pregnant with my first child – a child that is so wanted and so loved already – and I’m sad… it makes no logical sense to me. I’m hoping that things pick up a bit on the emotional front because I don’t think I’ll cope too well if this is the way things will be for the foreseeable future.
To try to make myself feel a bit better, we went for a short walk. I’ve been trying to walk for 30 mins a day for the past few days as it does wonders for my mind. Something it hasn’t been doing wonders for, however, is pelvic girdle pain. Yet another thing in the land of pregnancy that I never knew existed before baby – hence why we had to keep the walk short today. I’ve been waking in the night to bones popping and grinding and crying with the pain before I’m even actually awake; so a short walk was all my body could handle today. After the walk I drove to my grandmother’s grave and had a little heart to heart. I came home and ate cake and ordered some baby supplies online – which has definitely cheered me up.
My OH was asking me today to write down the things that have been upsetting me; perhaps then we might be able to figure out how to address things and then see if they can become more manageable. It’s gotten me thinking, and I’m starting to see just how many things are going on in life for me atm. Not only am I worrying about my high-risk pregnancy, I’m also worrying about work – for anyone who’s not from Ireland – we’re facing a return to work “as normal” with Covid-19 cases sky rocketing, particularly among the 0-19 age groups, and I’m essentially terrified. I also have found that financial worries are creeping in, more so than ever because of the impending new arrival.
Any other pregnant ladies out there feeling like their anxieties are going through the roof lately?!
So therein lies my day. It’s only 6pm and I am exhausted after it. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a bit better!